User blog:Joeaikman/George RR Martin vs JRR Tolkien - Rap Battle
Hahahahaha now I lured you all in with the title you have to read my take on the upcoming ERB idea. I expect them to use backup characters, so I will be using just George and John. Hope you enjoy! JRR Tolkien A long verse is coming, since you never make it at the right time Whilst I pen epic sagas, broad lore and languages in my lifetime You Reek of lyrical weakness, hold no secrets when you're flayed Away, and they shall say that the true rap King Returned today I educate generations, you play around with murder and porn You took my beloved genre and replaced hobbits with dwarves One doesn't simply match lore with the King of the scene Because you stole my initials to be more like J. R. R. Tolkien You're like Samwell, but no slayer, just more like a grey craven You best abandon this battle like elves from the Grey Havens Don't delve into my depths or be forewarned of the gore I'd burn King's Landing like I'm Smaug if it weren't for this Ere-bore George RR Martin So two Kings of literature Clashed, but John here got careless He spat weak dragon fire, and I was left as Unburnt as Daenerys I've got Wit and Wisdom on my side, and a Wall of ice cold Fury You wrote thousands of pages to make a cliche happy ending story Whilst I'm gory, Frey tensions with fans with my beheadings Crossbow bolts, stranglings and fucked up treatment at weddings I'm a Mountain, but you're Lonely, after you went and lost a Bratt You fell from grace like Bran or Gandalf when his bridge collapsed But there's no coming back from that, Martin's playing these raps And there's no middle ground, you're No One matched to my attacks There's One King to Rule, and I murder royalty for a living But I do this For The Watch, as you abandoned your position JRR Tolkien You know nothing of my worlds, I created beauty and greatness You created petty kings, sadists and two entire cultures of rapists You think fate is undecided but I saw this battle's end in a stone And it showed me Martin gutted whilst his better sat on his throne I'm colder than Ice, right, and I'll swing the sword here myself It's been five years, write, I can't see a new novel on my bookshelf I'll take a sword, bow and axe, and Brienne must surely bore ya You idolise me with infatuation, but you'll be friendzoned like Jorah This Feast has begun, but my Fellowship Towers over your Return You're the Alester to my Stannis, cos you're yet to be burned My notes formed a book, you call your own fans for guidance And it was you who ruined fantasy with a fetish for violence George RR Martin You're madder than Lysa, I saw your skill vanish like Benjen You must be getting cold hands, else it was just never present And I reckon that the latter likely was the result of your pending Death, cos any old schmo could predict Aragorn's ending He married for love, how boring, where's the Fire and Blood Best Gard your Helm from the Deep shots I fire, understood I bare the weight of reading your turgid works; and I truly fear You lack balls for our genre, the only major death was Boromir And I killed Bean better, gave him a true hero's departure You martyred him off at the hands of an unspecified archer Combine the Isen and the Trident, and you couldn't match flows I could summarise my cold lines in one word, John. Snow.... Who won? George Martin Jon Tolkien Category:Blog posts